Journal Entry from a Cave

When I walked out of my cave I felt absolutely terrible; I am not good at not finishing what I started. But for some reason I felt like I was running dry and that the cave in my solitude could no longer hold me. I had gotten more out of the evening than I’d imagined and simply felt that my solo, at least this one, needed to be altered.

But I felt hopeless. I didn’t want people to see that I had “caved (nothing wrong with a little pun). But in that I started to wonder who I was staying for. And then I remembered how iffy I had felt about the solo to begin with. It is such a beautiful thing, but I felt that I had no training for it. I have no form of meditation that works for me, nor is there something poignant in my life that I need to sit alone to consider.

Actually, that is poorly stated. There are always things to consider and I can in a way meditated: by running, hiking, dancing. If I had been given the roam of this island and two days in which to travel it, I think I would have accomplished it.

But that isn’t the case so I shouldn’t divulge. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished. Patience is surely my sore suit and I was able to be still for a long time. Longer than I ever want to again.

I have realized through this cave that at least now, meditation is not something important in my life. At least not in the “count to ten on every breathe” way. I also have began to understand the importance of people in one’s life. I used to spend so much time alone, constantly cutting ties merely out of lacking effort. This experience has made me appreciated and notice the affects of having company.

Surely I need a better balance than living in an LR community has given me. I need to have time to go out into nature like this. But on my own accord. At this point, this experienced has ruined this beautiful island for me. The place htat just yesterday I was in love with now builds up a heaping depression in me. Instead of building appreciation out of the beauty that this place holds I saw everything as dull and blurry through my teary exhaustion.

Maybe someday I will be able to do this solo. Perhaps I simply wasn’t ready. But it also showed me a lot about my needs.

I have a need to be going somewhere. Or at least to be covering ground in a literal sense. I have moved so far from my depression that kept me lying in bed. Alone, motional but for crying. Stillness used to make sense to me but it was coated in sadness. It wasn’t until I started moving that I began to feel okay. Motion restarted me, de-froze my heart, my spirit.

I understand that this soli is not meant to feel alive like a hike in am ountains. In fact, I feel that I very much understand and appreciate what this soli is about. I think it is beautiful and well created. That is why I felt the need to try it even though I was at a point in my life where I wasn’t prepared to do the whole 40 hours. I thought that I could/should just push through it, like I do everything else in my life. I thought I could just show up and the beaty of the experience would alter my state of preparedness. For awhile it did. Stepping onto this island, I certainly felt altered. Since being here, I have reentered myself and for a few days committed to self-healing. I think the nights in caves have been good for me. I haven’t slept alone in two months let alone a cave high above and far away from the boy and friends that I love. I didn’t feel scared in said cave. Not that I felt perfectly comfortable, but it felt like a good level of darkness, nature, solitude was enrapturing me. I think these 3 nights in the cave where a good escape for me, whether I wanted it or not.

And perhaps the most pleasantly surprising thing about me leaving before 40 hours is that I am suddenly capable of writing things down. It has been so long since I could articulate myself and now I see words being splattered down easily, helpfully. Suddenly I have a journal entry that is genuine.

I want to appreciate Abby, Tialoc, and Horst. Not that I thought they’d make me feel bad, but I am comforted by their supported. I needed to hear that it was okay that I had come down and even more so that I could then either stay down or come back up. I really want to send love to them because it meant so much to me just to be given some advice. Not to be left in my own pot of judgment and sadness but to be questioned in a comforting manner. Though I thought I wanted it to be left alone so that I could forget that I’d left, that wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere. Tialoc helped me (just by listening) realize that I had left at the time I needed to leave. Abby helped me understand that my suffering during the solo was normal (not in a “you are like everyone else” but in a “it makes sense” kind of way). She also made me appreciate the integrity of this solo. I am so grateful I came back up here to write instead of soaking myself with the comfort of company. She also made me realize (if I hadn’t already before that) I have some things to work on.

I guess I knew this. I’ve known how unbalanced I have felt since KT died. But I can’t just up and sit in a cave and hope to rebalance. For me it takes baby steps. For me it takes a healthier fusion of structure and freedom. Up until now, I’ve been told where to go, what to do, what to write and haven’t had any solo time to decide on my own. When I get back to the states I am going to work on that balance, making sure to put the proper amount of scheduled things in with free time.

Someone who really affected me over this experience was Jordan. From the moment I heard her explain that she knew she wasn’t at the point where she could do a 40 hour solo I felt envious of her self-awareness. As I continued to say that I could do it, I knew in me that I was overstepping my boundaries. I really admire her ability to “say no”, to do what is right for her. I am awful at that. I always want to prove myself even of things that show none of my color. Stepping out of the cave today was huge because I was taking a stand for my emotions. Emotions that I usually push aside.

I came into this cave declaring that I wanted to open my eyes. My experience in it did the opposite; I recognized my own tunnel vision and lack of healthy perspective but couldn’t alter it. Stepping out and returning with a journal however I feel my eyes opening. For the first time in awhile I can recognize my needs. I need to be mobile and need to be able to sing and honestly, I sometimes need people. I need the touch of a hug, the squeeze of someone holding my hand. I need to hear people talking even if it it doesn’t involve me. Maybe this shows that I am scared of myself, and surely in ways I am. But more I see it as finally admitting that I can’t do everything on my own. I need to love and need to be loved. As of now, I see people to be “the divine”. We are all one, we are all “God”. Together. We need each other to evolve. I have spent too long thinking I could do it all by myself.