I can't believe the way the time moves. Lately, not a day goes by without me freaking out about how fast the past week, month, semester, year has gone by. I can't believe that on one side I am a year away from ending my sophmore year and beginning a summer of Camp Jewell and on the other, a year away from finishing my undergrad degree.
These two moments are very intense in my mind and I feel the weight of being caught in the middle of them. The early point represents a me that is confident, and easily going into a new adventure. The comfort of "having time" is all around me as I am halfway through my college years, still in the phase of my life where people say that it "doesn't matter" if I have no clue what I want to do with my life. Though I am slightly wretched with the social anxiety brought on by going into a group of complete strangers, I feel for the most part like I am where I am meant to be (both physically and figuratively).
That girl must be somewhere in me now, but she is harder to find. It wasn't the year that has left me searching for her though, because most of the year brought allowed me many moments of spirit and inspiration. Rather, it is this past month or so in which I have allowed myself to fall into a space of idleness; a space where feelings of inadequacy and incompetence grows. I worry that I have backtracked, somehow losing the motivation that has at times been such a strong characteristic in me. I see time floating by as I sit worrying over it. Wondering how I am going to get myself back on track, how I am going to recapture time.
Then there is the later point; a point which I cannot too strongly judge for I have not reached it yet. But, as I feel things now, it is a time I worry about. I am hoping that once I am back in situations that I am used to, especially back at my co-op, I will realize myself once again and be able to adjust back into begin alive again. I just wish I knew how to get myself back on track sooner than that. I don't want to be wishing away the time in between. I need to figure out how to sustain my confidence and sense of ableness.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mama's too far to celebrate Mother's Day, so here is to Papa
There's something about New England. Or maybe it is subhurbia in general, but living in this small town of Massachusetts you notice things that are beautiful and silly specifically to the area. This morning I went to my papa's softball game. The town has a league for men ages-well it's pretty much become any age after graduating high school-where you just go down to the Rose Garden (the town bar/restaurant) and sign up. The sign-ups are then distributed amongst a couple of teams (probobly 5 or 6) that play each other every Sunday morning. Each team's member is given a shirt that defines them with a color and sponsorship by some local business. My papa is on the maroon team and plays for Fin and Feather, Upton's hunting and fishery shop.
So being the proud daughter that I am and wanting to support my dad as he does something not work related, I road my bike down to the softball field today. Its a beautiful day: sunny, no clouds, flowers blooming on trees. The game had already started so I sat on the bleachers and took in the scene. The field was full of black and maroon t-shirt bearing men. I want to conclude that sentence with "looking as New England as ever" but I don't even know what I mean by that. Just a bunch of dudes with Mass accents trying hard not to act competitive but clearly wanting to win. Maybe it was in my head, but I kept getting that feeling that each of the older guys was thinking of a way that they would've played better if they were ten years younger.
I hope that doesn't come off as jugdemental. To be honest, I was full of secret pride for each of these men who were doing something with their Sunday morning other than watching TV or ignoring their kids (although I guess a few of them could have been). It felt so good to watch Americans being athletic, no matter their stage of athleticism.
Beyond that, I love seeing people together in a "good clean fun" environment. I was amongst a crowd of tots-young mothers cheering on a loved one. Every one of the children was wearing a Red Sox shirt or hat (this is what I mean by being oh-so-New England). I loved hearing people laughing, chatting, and cheering in the background. I loved having dogs running around me. One was named Nomar and his owner, the ump, after hearing that he had been rumbling with some other pup appropraitely said "Nomar get over here, you're being a pain in the ass just like you are with the Dogders".
Being in Upton is hard for me because I have to be creative with my time if I don't want to feel bored. It is far too easy to isolate myself here, and it has been a tendency of mine to hibernate while I'm here. Coming to see families and friends together in this town is both surreal and good for me. It feels good to know that this town isn't just a drought of happiness, but that people are mobile content with their lives. That families want to be together on a Sunday, in the name of their papas. That is one boat I can certainly float on.
So being the proud daughter that I am and wanting to support my dad as he does something not work related, I road my bike down to the softball field today. Its a beautiful day: sunny, no clouds, flowers blooming on trees. The game had already started so I sat on the bleachers and took in the scene. The field was full of black and maroon t-shirt bearing men. I want to conclude that sentence with "looking as New England as ever" but I don't even know what I mean by that. Just a bunch of dudes with Mass accents trying hard not to act competitive but clearly wanting to win. Maybe it was in my head, but I kept getting that feeling that each of the older guys was thinking of a way that they would've played better if they were ten years younger.
I hope that doesn't come off as jugdemental. To be honest, I was full of secret pride for each of these men who were doing something with their Sunday morning other than watching TV or ignoring their kids (although I guess a few of them could have been). It felt so good to watch Americans being athletic, no matter their stage of athleticism.
Beyond that, I love seeing people together in a "good clean fun" environment. I was amongst a crowd of tots-young mothers cheering on a loved one. Every one of the children was wearing a Red Sox shirt or hat (this is what I mean by being oh-so-New England). I loved hearing people laughing, chatting, and cheering in the background. I loved having dogs running around me. One was named Nomar and his owner, the ump, after hearing that he had been rumbling with some other pup appropraitely said "Nomar get over here, you're being a pain in the ass just like you are with the Dogders".
Being in Upton is hard for me because I have to be creative with my time if I don't want to feel bored. It is far too easy to isolate myself here, and it has been a tendency of mine to hibernate while I'm here. Coming to see families and friends together in this town is both surreal and good for me. It feels good to know that this town isn't just a drought of happiness, but that people are mobile content with their lives. That families want to be together on a Sunday, in the name of their papas. That is one boat I can certainly float on.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Where am I?
It feels so strange to be home. Not comforting, not refreshing, not secure: strange. I feel like I can't quite catch up to the speed of the world, like my feet are about ten yards ahead of me. Having left me in the dust bewildered.
I feel absolutely bewildered. I keep finding myself pacing back and forth, or just sitting and looking around. Wondering where the hell I am, how long I have been here, and for how much longer I will be in that space. My mind is constantly spinning but at the same time is so foggy and mumbled that I can't make out what it is trying to figure out.
I'm lonely. Being surrounded by 30+ people constantly affected me more than I thought it would. Something I really took away from this semester was that people are good for each other. I used to want so badly to constantly be independent. I loved being able to do things on my own and felt confident in my ability to have a good time on my own terms. I felt safe and strong in that mindset. But this semester has shown me what it can mean to not always need "alone time". Starting off living with roommates and on a hallway full of my community members I got so used to waking up and going to sleep with the beautiful noise of people being together.
When Alex and I moved in together I could've guessed that any hope of solitude would be all over. Most times in my life that would have terrified me; I would've felt like I was losing my independence, in ways my individuality because I am so used to spending so much time with (and in ways on) myself. But it turned out to be the best thing that could happen for me. Not only did I learn how to live with someone, but Alex transcended being my best friend and lover and became my partner. I learned how beautiful it can be to depend on someone and have them depend on you. Mentally, we shared our lives and experiences with one another. Never did we go to sleep without spending time talking. Beyond that, I was taken care of (and like to think that I was taking care of him). Through intense situations, he was my rock and at no point took his caring eyes off of me.
Oh but now I'm home and he's still in India and I miss him. SItting here on my couch at "home" I feel so utterly lonely. Not only am I missing him but I feel the absense of the rest of my community; friends who are so amazing and beautiful. Now that I am here I have absolutley no idea where to go for comfort, for a sense of security. To feel like I am moving forward and in a good direction.
Right now I have no idea where I am heading. I feel inconfident and incomPETANT and I don't wnat to feel those things. But what can I do? I don't remember where I was when I left, I don't know where I am now. I want so badly to have the security of Alex, the uplifting feeling he gives me. BUt I also want to be able to get there on my own. The old feeling of hating to be dependent is sneaking up on me again and I"m screaming at myself to be okay, to be strong. I'm going to have to work through it and reclaim myself. I need to push myself through some busywork or something so that I can just move my body and maybe my mind will start doing that too.
I feel absolutely bewildered. I keep finding myself pacing back and forth, or just sitting and looking around. Wondering where the hell I am, how long I have been here, and for how much longer I will be in that space. My mind is constantly spinning but at the same time is so foggy and mumbled that I can't make out what it is trying to figure out.
I'm lonely. Being surrounded by 30+ people constantly affected me more than I thought it would. Something I really took away from this semester was that people are good for each other. I used to want so badly to constantly be independent. I loved being able to do things on my own and felt confident in my ability to have a good time on my own terms. I felt safe and strong in that mindset. But this semester has shown me what it can mean to not always need "alone time". Starting off living with roommates and on a hallway full of my community members I got so used to waking up and going to sleep with the beautiful noise of people being together.
When Alex and I moved in together I could've guessed that any hope of solitude would be all over. Most times in my life that would have terrified me; I would've felt like I was losing my independence, in ways my individuality because I am so used to spending so much time with (and in ways on) myself. But it turned out to be the best thing that could happen for me. Not only did I learn how to live with someone, but Alex transcended being my best friend and lover and became my partner. I learned how beautiful it can be to depend on someone and have them depend on you. Mentally, we shared our lives and experiences with one another. Never did we go to sleep without spending time talking. Beyond that, I was taken care of (and like to think that I was taking care of him). Through intense situations, he was my rock and at no point took his caring eyes off of me.
Oh but now I'm home and he's still in India and I miss him. SItting here on my couch at "home" I feel so utterly lonely. Not only am I missing him but I feel the absense of the rest of my community; friends who are so amazing and beautiful. Now that I am here I have absolutley no idea where to go for comfort, for a sense of security. To feel like I am moving forward and in a good direction.
Right now I have no idea where I am heading. I feel inconfident and incomPETANT and I don't wnat to feel those things. But what can I do? I don't remember where I was when I left, I don't know where I am now. I want so badly to have the security of Alex, the uplifting feeling he gives me. BUt I also want to be able to get there on my own. The old feeling of hating to be dependent is sneaking up on me again and I"m screaming at myself to be okay, to be strong. I'm going to have to work through it and reclaim myself. I need to push myself through some busywork or something so that I can just move my body and maybe my mind will start doing that too.
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