Where am I?

It feels so strange to be home. Not comforting, not refreshing, not secure: strange. I feel like I can't quite catch up to the speed of the world, like my feet are about ten yards ahead of me. Having left me in the dust bewildered.

I feel absolutely bewildered. I keep finding myself pacing back and forth, or just sitting and looking around. Wondering where the hell I am, how long I have been here, and for how much longer I will be in that space. My mind is constantly spinning but at the same time is so foggy and mumbled that I can't make out what it is trying to figure out.

I'm lonely. Being surrounded by 30+ people constantly affected me more than I thought it would. Something I really took away from this semester was that people are good for each other. I used to want so badly to constantly be independent. I loved being able to do things on my own and felt confident in my ability to have a good time on my own terms. I felt safe and strong in that mindset. But this semester has shown me what it can mean to not always need "alone time". Starting off living with roommates and on a hallway full of my community members I got so used to waking up and going to sleep with the beautiful noise of people being together.

When Alex and I moved in together I could've guessed that any hope of solitude would be all over. Most times in my life that would have terrified me; I would've felt like I was losing my independence, in ways my individuality because I am so used to spending so much time with (and in ways on) myself. But it turned out to be the best thing that could happen for me. Not only did I learn how to live with someone, but Alex transcended being my best friend and lover and became my partner. I learned how beautiful it can be to depend on someone and have them depend on you. Mentally, we shared our lives and experiences with one another. Never did we go to sleep without spending time talking. Beyond that, I was taken care of (and like to think that I was taking care of him). Through intense situations, he was my rock and at no point took his caring eyes off of me.

Oh but now I'm home and he's still in India and I miss him. SItting here on my couch at "home" I feel so utterly lonely. Not only am I missing him but I feel the absense of the rest of my community; friends who are so amazing and beautiful. Now that I am here I have absolutley no idea where to go for comfort, for a sense of security. To feel like I am moving forward and in a good direction.

Right now I have no idea where I am heading. I feel inconfident and incomPETANT and I don't wnat to feel those things. But what can I do? I don't remember where I was when I left, I don't know where I am now. I want so badly to have the security of Alex, the uplifting feeling he gives me. BUt I also want to be able to get there on my own. The old feeling of hating to be dependent is sneaking up on me again and I"m screaming at myself to be okay, to be strong. I'm going to have to work through it and reclaim myself. I need to push myself through some busywork or something so that I can just move my body and maybe my mind will start doing that too.